Dream: The Apartment

(you may notice that my recent writings are getting a bit more.... i don't want to say racy but perhaps romantic or mushy.  This one gets a little more "enticing" hahha these have been dreams I've been having.  Maybe i'll start changing up my headings.  Enjoy!  )


Getting up for work each day is tedious.  Take a piss, brush teeth, shower, feed the cats, get dressed, empty the litter box and remember to lock up.  Same thing every day.  Until the new neighbor arrived.

There was an empty store front i used to day dream about at work.  It had large glass windows and a double door to let people in/out.  There was brown paper lining the panes of glass so it was difficult to see in.  I had wondered when someone would take over the lease every time i saw the "FOR RENT" sign on my way home.

Thursday was different.  I remember it was Thursday because that was Chinese Food day.  Every week i was allowed one take out night and since nothing was better than my own cooking, i choose to eat Chinese Food.  I had just come back upstairs to my apartment after getting food from the lobby when i noticed a light against the brown paper.  Someone was moving around and their shadow danced from one window to the next.  I watched from my balcony door until the light went out and the show was over.  It would be interesting to see what would become of that space.

Little did i know the surprise its owner would bring.

I think I might have left something out - all the items in my daily routine are done completely naked.  Well, except getting dressed and leaving the house, of course.  My apartment is on a high enough floor that i don't even bother to close the blinds.  The only direct line of sight was an apartment across the street.  But their balcony was always fenced with tightly laid gray wooden beams in and no one moved around out there so i never paid it any mind.

Friday came along and i did my normal routine. Pissed, brushed, showered, fed the cats and as I was petting one of my dear babies i noticed a paper crinkle.  My radio was blaring the morning news but i could hear a distinct flapping of paper.  I looked around to see if my cats had rummaged through the recycling again and played with a paper bag.  They were happily munching on the new food i just put down.  I looked elsewhere around the apartment but couldn't see anything that would make that noise.    With a shrug, i decided to ignore it and started to make the bed.  I bent over to grab the sheets when i heard a different sound.

A man's cough or at least a clearing of the throat caused me to stop in my tracks.  Not in the most modest position, bent over my bed naked, but i turned my head to see that through the a man reading the newspaper, seemingly unaware of me being just across the street.  I thought about grabbing the sheets or the nearest piece of clothing to cover myself up but I stopped.  This was my apartment and i could do what i want.  Besides, if i could barely see him through the fence slits, who's to say he couldn't see me?

I went about my day thinking about the new neighbor.  I could bake some cookies or offer to show him around town.  I was just coming up to my block when the storefront doors opened.  Hugh Jackman walked out the store and took a deep breath.  He was smiling, almost ready to laugh and I could tell things were working out really well for him today.  Not wanting to ruin his moment, I started to cross the street.  He caught my glance and hollered "G'day miss!"  I smiled back and waved my hand.

Heading upstairs I smiled, he was a handsome man and I wondered if he was here all by himself.  Surely there was a family going to arrive just days behind him, ready to make their new home in this small town of mine.  I laughed, opened my door and went about my evening routine.  Shoes, coat, pet the kitties, feed the kitties, clean the litter box, change into house lounging attire.

I never could understand why people would get home and change.  It seemed so wasteful to use up so many clothes in the week.  I popped my work clothes into the hamper and slipped on some cut-off sweatpants made into shorts and a t-shirt with the star from Super Mario Bros.  I half expected to hear paper flipping from the balcony across the way but it seemed no one was there.  I did look down to find Mr. Jackman looking up and smiling.  He turned on his heels and went back into the store.

For the next few weeks he read the paper on the balcony every morning.  I attempted to catch even one stare but i couldn't.  His gaze was planted securely to that paper.  I didn't realize the news was that intriguing.  Since i was half asleep in the mornings anyway, nothing changed of my routine and I started having conversations with Mr. Jackman, even if he didn't answer back.

Then the strangest thing happened.   I was on my way downstairs and thought to stop by the mailboxes to check for a delivery when i saw Mr. Jackman waiting there.  He seemed anxious and was pacing back and forth.  "Are you all right?" My brow furrowed, it pained me to see people uneasy.

"Yes, it's just .... (man i can't remember the dream now.... all day i've been thinking about this and i can't remember what he said :(   it was something that would have been discussed or advertised on 1010wins because i was hearing that whilst i slept.)

Dreaming of Vigilantes

My friends and i were all packed and ready to go on our weekend trip. I closed the passenger door and caught a reflection from the rearview mirror.  Startling blue eyes peeked out from under a green hood waiting for my recognition. I laughed and shook my head, my friends had no idea who they were about to meet. 

He laughed back, waited for my introduction then pulled back his hoodie. My friends were in shock - they had only seen this man from afar and now here he was. He walked over to me to say hello and with all eyes watching, leaned down to give me a lingering kiss. I was surprised myself, i didn't think we were telling anyone of our involvement but i followed his lead and kissed him lovingly back. By now my friends didn't know what to say. 

He took my hand and led me to my friends. I introduced them all and he humbly shook everyone's hand, returning his own to my waist when all was done. 

I explained that he would be coming with us on our trip for a short time before he had to go back to filming. 

We broke away from our friendship hiddle to get into our respective cars. He hopped in the passenger seat and watched me walk around to the driver's side. 

"I'm glad i could make it.  I would have missed you like crazy" he smiled. 

"You are amazing" i replied and kissed him before starting the car. 

The path to loving yourself

Pamela had been staring at the ceiling for about five minutes before she realized her mind drifted from her task. She was to head to the bathroom mirror, look into her own eyes and say "I love you, Pamela Ann". It was all a part of this self love book she bought from Barnes & Noble. But she found her mind wandering and couldn't get out of bed. 

She knew this type of therapy was helpful, it was actually just what she was looking for. Years of taking care of others was due to her not taking care of herself.  All the hopes and wishes for her friends, family and even strangers to do well was not something she could do for herself. So she sought out a tangible way to help and found this book. 

But now that it was time to start this therapy, she found it hard to do the task. She bit her lip as she tried to look behind the reason for staying in bed. The bathroom was just at the end of the hallway.  She was not tired or lazy or wanting to do something else. She just didn't want to do it. 

"Why?" A voice asked in her head. 

"I don't know" she replied and closed her eyes. 

"You know why, but you don't want to admit it..."

"I...I don't"

"Go on, you can say it. There is no one here to judge your honesty. We'll get to that later."

"I don't think I'm important enough"

"For what, sweetie?"

"My attention needs to be spent on more important things than myself."

"Is that true? Is that how you really feel?"

"It's how i was made to feel. My thoughts, desires and feelings are secondary to those that need my help."

"Who made you feel that way?"

At this question she thought a moment. Her answer for years had been her father. He was strict and taught her how to keep a house. He reprimanded her for getting overly excited whether being happy or sad. She internalized those reactions to mean her feelings were not wanted and so she shouldn't have them.   The  Pamela started to cry. 

"Yes, go ahead, sweetie. It's okay to let it out. Who made you feel that way?

"I made me feel that way."

"Well, that's part of it. Years of hearing how not to display your emotions can be unsettling. But you are older and your own woman now. If someone tells you that, there is no reason for you to take that as a command or to even act on it. So why hold on to such memories?"

"There is a fear, a fear that my life was wasted, that i missed out on so much because I felt I had to live by these rules. I don't want these rules any more."

"Then leave them behind. You have to find the importance of yourself. You must define the love Pamela recieves not from others but from Pamela. That is what you can control."

Pamela looked through her tears at the ceiling. She balled her fists, threw the covers back and headed to the bathroom. The sunlight came in through the window and fell on her head and shoulders. Looking into the mirror she found her own eyes and turned away. 

"Don't judge. It will be difficult at first but if you do this every day you will get the hang of it."

"But it seems so silly. I don't understand how this is supposed to..."

"Don't think about it. Just say it."

Pamela closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. Planting hands on either side of the sink she looked up and into her own eyes. 

"I love you, Pamela Ann" 

The eyes that stared back were quivering with fear but steadied once the words sunk in. A younger Pamela started to peak out, wondering if this was a joke. Trust was just in the horizon and Pamela looked away. 

"I never realized how difficult this would be."

"you have the ability to love someone greatly. You see yourself do it every day for your family, friends and sometimes for people that you meet on the street. But we have to work on turning that kindness and compassion back into yourself. Perhaps not today but we'll check back in a few days. Anytime you see your reflection make sure to tell yourself how much love there is for You."

"I'll try" Pamela said wincing. 

"You'll do it. You've already taken the first step."

Pamela sighed, emotionally taxed and went back to bed. 

Dream: The visit

It's strange how you become accustomed to city streets.  People used to warn me constantly that it wasn't safe to walk at night.  Never really bothered me. Except for a few people here and there walking just a little too close or staring a little too long.  As long as I payed attention, I would be okay.

I walked along Essex with my hands in my jacket pockets as the warmth kept within my layers offered a welcome comfort.  Streetlights made the damp concrete glisten at this time of night.  Few people were out so I had the street to myself.

In another 5 minutes i would make it to his house.  Just as i was about to cross the street, a FedEx truck slammed on his breaks and fishtailed into a building on the corner.  The tiles that lined the outside of the building indented slightly, but it seemed that no other damage was done.  Cursing, the driver jumped out of his cab and looked for the car that caused him to break so quickly.  Throwing his cigarette to the ground, he stomped back and forth, unable to find the fiend.

I shook my head and crossed anyway.  I would have called the cops except the driver made it back to his cab and was on the radio in no time.  I continued down for two more blocks.

Either the music from my earbuds was really engaging or I was on autopilot because I can't remember getting to his apartment.  Before I knew it, I was inside. I didn't feel uncomfortable or intrusive.  It was as if someone invited me in, just not the owner.  I could hear rustling from another room - I think it was the cleaner.

I was so surprised to see how simple his setup was.  Compared to my own apartment, his Ikea furniture and lack of very expensive items made me feel silly for being embarrassed when we first met.  

If i remember correctly, I placed an ad on Craigslist selling some of my old vinyls given to me by my Grandmother.  I was hard up for money and needed to pay the rent.  I received an email shortly after  with an urgent ask to purchase those albums.  I arranged a pickup at my apartment for that weekend.  To my surprise, the guy that showed up to purchase the records was Robert Downey Jr. himself.  

Mr. Downey Jr. wasn't with anyone, and was really polite.  I froze for a moment with embarrassment because I hadn't cleaned the place and it was in quite a state of disarray.  I apologized to him for the mess and invited him inside to look through the records.

That afternoon was magical. We listened to records, talked about life and what was going on in our lives. His visit went long into the evening and he even offered to get Chinese.  When his visit was over, he insisted on overpaying for the records and asked if he could call on me again to have another afternoon.  I assured him that was fine by me.

Now I was let into his own home.  There was art on the wall, a flat screen TV and a few couches.  Nothing that would suggest he had a famous life style.  I was checking other things around the living room when I heard keys in the door. Mr. Downey walked in with a surprised look.  I froze in my tracks.  I couldn't remember why I was here.  Did he invite me over?  Why the hell was I let into his apartment?  Was this even okay to be here?

Cautiously, he moved towards me, almost studying me to see what I would do next.  I felt as if he was trying to gauge my discomfort and was hiding a laugh behind those watchful eyes.  I did my best to play it cool.  I pulled out a drawing pad and started to sketch random shapes.  

He moved to the couch and turned the TV on.  The door opened again and his wife stepped through.  She smiled and welcomed me, then began bringing in groceries.  I asked if i could help but Mr. Downey said not to worry about it.  He invited me to sit down and started up a conversation.  It had been a while since we last spoke after all.

I was mortified.  I felt I didn't belong here and I couldn't remember how I got here or why.  Mr. Downey seemed to pick up on that and moved closer on the couch.  I kept my eyes down on my sketching.  

I was able to make a swooping shape to the left. That gave me an idea for a dress for cosplay so I mirrored the shape and kept drawing.  To my surprise, it turned out incredibly well and that caught the attention of Mr. Downey.  He started to watch.

My nervousness grew, I am not a good artist, but he seemed interested and working with the blue pencil and paper kept me somewhat calm.  I was able to sketch out a highly detailed wedding dress until he moved a bit closer.

I could feel my temperature rise, having this person I admired from afar so close to me and there was nothing I could do about it.  His wife was working in the open kitchen, starting to make dinner.  And then he got closer.  

At this point, he was close enough to whisper into my ear. My pencil stopped drawing for a moment as it took everything within me to not try to melt.  He asked if I was going to his High School Reunion.  I blinked, not comprehending what he just asked and asked him to repeat his question.  He laughed a bit, probably noticing the breathless quality in my voice, put his arm around me and asked again.  When i realized what he said, i started to laugh. 

I asked him where it was.  He replied it was set in Ontario and he expected that I'd want to go.  He would really like it if I went.  Then he'd have someone to talk with. I felt honored and surprised at the thought of it and was quickly reminded of my financial situation.  I let him know I'd think about it.