Thursday, November 13, 2014

The path to loving yourself

Pamela had been staring at the ceiling for about five minutes before she realized her mind drifted from her task. She was to head to the bathroom mirror, look into her own eyes and say "I love you, Pamela Ann". It was all a part of this self love book she bought from Barnes & Noble. But she found her mind wandering and couldn't get out of bed. 

She knew this type of therapy was helpful, it was actually just what she was looking for. Years of taking care of others was due to her not taking care of herself.  All the hopes and wishes for her friends, family and even strangers to do well was not something she could do for herself. So she sought out a tangible way to help and found this book. 

But now that it was time to start this therapy, she found it hard to do the task. She bit her lip as she tried to look behind the reason for staying in bed. The bathroom was just at the end of the hallway.  She was not tired or lazy or wanting to do something else. She just didn't want to do it. 

"Why?" A voice asked in her head. 

"I don't know" she replied and closed her eyes. 

"You know why, but you don't want to admit it..."

"I...I don't"

"Go on, you can say it. There is no one here to judge your honesty. We'll get to that later."

"I don't think I'm important enough"

"For what, sweetie?"

"My attention needs to be spent on more important things than myself."

"Is that true? Is that how you really feel?"

"It's how i was made to feel. My thoughts, desires and feelings are secondary to those that need my help."

"Who made you feel that way?"

At this question she thought a moment. Her answer for years had been her father. He was strict and taught her how to keep a house. He reprimanded her for getting overly excited whether being happy or sad. She internalized those reactions to mean her feelings were not wanted and so she shouldn't have them.   The  Pamela started to cry. 

"Yes, go ahead, sweetie. It's okay to let it out. Who made you feel that way?

"I made me feel that way."

"Well, that's part of it. Years of hearing how not to display your emotions can be unsettling. But you are older and your own woman now. If someone tells you that, there is no reason for you to take that as a command or to even act on it. So why hold on to such memories?"

"There is a fear, a fear that my life was wasted, that i missed out on so much because I felt I had to live by these rules. I don't want these rules any more."

"Then leave them behind. You have to find the importance of yourself. You must define the love Pamela recieves not from others but from Pamela. That is what you can control."

Pamela looked through her tears at the ceiling. She balled her fists, threw the covers back and headed to the bathroom. The sunlight came in through the window and fell on her head and shoulders. Looking into the mirror she found her own eyes and turned away. 

"Don't judge. It will be difficult at first but if you do this every day you will get the hang of it."

"But it seems so silly. I don't understand how this is supposed to..."

"Don't think about it. Just say it."

Pamela closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. Planting hands on either side of the sink she looked up and into her own eyes. 

"I love you, Pamela Ann" 

The eyes that stared back were quivering with fear but steadied once the words sunk in. A younger Pamela started to peak out, wondering if this was a joke. Trust was just in the horizon and Pamela looked away. 

"I never realized how difficult this would be."

"you have the ability to love someone greatly. You see yourself do it every day for your family, friends and sometimes for people that you meet on the street. But we have to work on turning that kindness and compassion back into yourself. Perhaps not today but we'll check back in a few days. Anytime you see your reflection make sure to tell yourself how much love there is for You."

"I'll try" Pamela said wincing. 

"You'll do it. You've already taken the first step."

Pamela sighed, emotionally taxed and went back to bed. 




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