She paced back and forth. The room was 5' x 7' and there was hardly enough space to make full strides. She reasoned that massaging opposite palms with her thumbs was an attempt for some relief. The nervous gesture was really just to keep from biting her nails.
"Why am i feeling this way now," she asked herself. "Kathy, focus..."
The day was going okay for once. Kathy's book signing at Barnes & Nobel was a huge success. After years of writing, something finally caught a publisher's attention. She smirked at that thought, the words weren't the only thing being noticed.
Three years ago, Frederick Prichard stared at a slim brunette through the coffee shop window. He laughed as he watched an order take place of decaf coffee at one of the hottest caffeine spots in town. The barista handed her a cup with so many markings it was impossible not to recognize her. He watched as she maneuvered through the long line of waiting customers without looking up from her Blackberry. He opened the door as she exited.
"Thank you," she quietly mumbled.
"You're welcome, Miss Rogers," he replied, keeping the door open.
For a moment, the Blackberry was forgotten. She looked up to see who spoke her name and found a tall man holding the door open, looking straight at her.
"I'm sorry, how do you know..." she trailed off as the thought occurred to her she just confirmed that was her name.
"Miss Rogers, please excuse me for being so forward. My name is Frederick Prichard, you can call me Rick."
"Thank you for holding the door, Mr. Prichard, but the AC will escape," she smiled politely. "Did you want to speak with me?"
"Well, yes," Rick released the door after another customer had entered. "There is a park just up the way, may i have some of your time?"
"I don't know... i have an appointment in" she twisted her elbow up just enough to look at her watch while keeping the coffee upright "oh my God, i'm late already. Maybe we can talk another time, Mr. Prichard?"
"An appointment with Leonard Publishing, yes?"
"How did you..." her voice trailed again.
"My assistant let me know i could find a Miss Kathy Rogers down at the coffee shop ordering a decaf latte. And Miss Rogers, you're right on time."
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Sunday, July 10, 2011
"free rant" - The Letter
~something in here describing the dad, coming home and checking his mail when he comes across this letter from his daughter~
"Hi Daddy,
Sorry it's been so long in writing to you. I've been thinking some things over and wanted to figure out how to express some of my thoughts and feelings from the past.
There are several things that have weighed on my mind, especially recently - well in the last few years recently, that i think may have caused me to act in certain ways. Basically, while i have always had a mother complex, that somehow was coupled with an eagerness to accommodate.
When you and i used to drive on the expressway, i vaguely remember conversations we used to have about the poor state of young people, world hunger and other destitute adults. These conversations always seemed to get to you where you'd pretty much break down and cry to the point where we had to pull over so you could compose yourself.
Being little and seeing your parent cry would probably freak out some kids. For a time, i would get worried, mostly because i was afraid of being on the side of the road, but i thought it was my job to listen and make you feel better by being there. This apparently had a huge affect on me later on in life as i felt the need to be everyone's rock.
Do you remember these conversations? i don't remember us having them that often with Sarah (sister) in the car, though i'm sure it may have happened once or twice.
I don't regret having these experiences, and obviously they happened for a reason. My being, physical and emotional, was a comfort in someway and for that i am grateful. I've just been thinking about how that might have impacted me today.
Now that i have a life of my own, that capacity has grown and dwindled at the same time. At 7 years old, the fears and expectations of a child are very small and external forces may take precedence. But at 32, the priorities change to put the self first. I don't think i ever reached that point. Somehow i was forever stuck in letting the external forces take priority. With some help, i'm learning to turn those odds around.
In order to do that, there are some frustrations i wanted to tell you about, because it's no longer healthy (nor was it ever) to keep these feelings inside. For the sake of keeping the peace and for keeping the "smile" forever on i hid or cut off communications completely. So i will freely describe them below.
I was hurt to receive your email that you whisked yourself away to Puerto Rico. Like the other times you and mommy split up, i felt you were abandoning us. Not only were you going away, but you left me in charge to take care of the family. That was all in my head because i never saw mommy as a fit to take care of anyone. So when you left for the 3rd time, i wondered why you didn't reach out to us for help. Again in my head that i thought i could have helped, in a way to comfort you - even though that's not my role."
Sunday, April 24, 2011
freewrite dream
Her eyes widened as she weaved backwards through the crowd. She could see white linen peeking through legs and shoulders. Step by step he was getting closer. Dark, brown eyes never left her face. his thumb flicked the hilt of his sword, readying for his move. she started to whimper to herself knowing he was after her. She couldn't tell why or what she had done to make him feel this way. all the takss at hand were completed and she did them with accuracy. but he was coming so close.
she backed further through the crowd until she came to a wall. juast as he neared her,, sword in hand and aimed at her heart she felt a pain in her back. she looked down to see a sword coming out of her chest just as the man in front of her pierced through her clothes. she couldn't see who stabbed her from behind but it didn't matter now. there was little pain, the swords were so sharp. she only felt faint, fell to her knees and blacked out....
she backed further through the crowd until she came to a wall. juast as he neared her,, sword in hand and aimed at her heart she felt a pain in her back. she looked down to see a sword coming out of her chest just as the man in front of her pierced through her clothes. she couldn't see who stabbed her from behind but it didn't matter now. there was little pain, the swords were so sharp. she only felt faint, fell to her knees and blacked out....
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Mystic's Way (freewrite)
(no apologies, thanks, Phil :D)
This trip was planned for months. She would finally be able to return to the Renaissance Faire after years of working too hard and burying herself to forget her problems. A car rental awaited her that morning and she happily stepped on the train.
On her way to JFK, she took a deep breath. things were not doing so well in her life. She hated her job, this trip was going to cost her a crap load of money and she probably wouldn't get anything back because half the people cancelled on her. At one time in her life, she could hold everything together. She was the source of stability and comfort that would take over the world. Her grand scheme to rule everyone's heart over backfired and made her a servant.
Exhaling, her shoulders slumped and she gripped her bags around her tightly. It wasn't dangerous in this part of town. She was only going from Harlem to Queens, but this was her only source of comfort. As her arms gripped, a nagging feeling in her stomach started up. She remembered the bagel she bought from a street vendor and loosened her grip.
While the city is very convenient, sometimes traveling can get sticky. Subway and buss routes are frequently changed due to MTA's forever-going service maintenance. She was smart this time - she checked the website to make sure all her trains were running. The issue was with transferring from one line of service to another. From her house, three trains were needed. One to get downtown, one transfer to go local, then another transfer to go from Manhattan to Queens. Doesn't seem too bad unless you're waiting 15 min on a subway platform because the previous train just left.
The sesame bagel was lightly buttered but darkened spots that covered the brown paper bag suggested otherwise. She tore pieces from the bagel and brought them to her mouth, trying to remember if she'd touched anything after leaving the house. Eating on the subway is not the most sanitary, but she was hungry and really wanted to get rid of that feeling in her stomach. About half way through the bagel, she felt a little better and let the thought slide from her mind.
Like most new yorkers, she had an iPod with her at all times. This trip was no exception. Some japanese rock/pop idol caressed her ears as she soon forgot about her troubles and the stomach nagging disappeared. Before she knew it, she was ready to transfer to her next train. One train came right after the other and she was on her way to Queens.
She made it to JFK via the Airtrain, a friendly reminder of the monorail from Disney World, only a little sadder. No Magic Kingdom greeted you at the end of this trip. She went downstairs to the rental car company and was greeted with a long line of people. Here she thought she was right on time for her 8:30 am appointment and now she had to wait for these people.
Three clerks were working behind the counter, one trying to help a family of 5, another with two people with very large luggage and the last helped someone that was just waiting for her receipt. As our Harlemite waited, she was strangely serene. Normally long lines when on a schedule stresses her out, but she had her earbuds in and looked up at the flat panel TV that was shouting out a news report. New Zealand just had an earthquake. While she was going to get a bit behind schedule, these poor people had lost their houses, their communities and some their lives. She wouldn't mind waiting on line.
Ten minutes later, she was at the front of the line waiting for the next clerk. She swore she would never go back to this company again, after the stress they brought her during a previous trip, but they had the lowest price and the minivan she was looking for. She decided to give them another chance. Once she spoke to the clerk and was handed the receipt, she was glad she did.
The minivan sparkled in the parking spot. There was some dirt in the back, but no scratches, paint scuffs and no dings. She gave the car a once over, then took a picture of it for Facebook. With her luck, the phone would post it later that day. She was happy and didn't want to think about the troubles of her phone right now, she was going to the REN FAIRE!
From previous experiences, she went over each feature the car had. Windshield wipers, headlights, overhead lights, audio system and mirrors. Once she had a feel for each, she looked for a way to connect her iPod to the car. As she suspected, this car had an AUX input of a 3.5mm jack. She thought this would be the case and brought her 3.5mm cord with her! She plugged in the iPod and tested the sound system - all worked well!
Now her trek would take her out to Long Island - a trip that normally took about 1.5 hours by the LIRR, two hours by driving. From JFK, she made it to her destination in about an hour. She wasn't speeding, per se, just making good time. She picked up her passengers and they headed upstate to Tuxedo, NY to Sterling Forest.
They made it to the fair only half an hour later than originally planned. And all this after stopping at 7-11 for snacks, Burger King for breakfast and having to dodge crazy drivers that swerved in an out of traffic. They parked in the free parking, she gave out the free tickets and they started up the hill to the faire.
It was a tradition she started a few years ago - to try to go to the faire every year. She started it with her mom and two brothers. Her sister would have been invited, but at the time she lived farther upstate and couldn't make it. Years after they went together, but not all 5 of them together. This year, her tradition changed just a little. She took her brother's friends. She figured, they would want some space to hang out and she could go off and enjoy the faire on her own. It would be the first time she had ever done it, and something called her to do this more than ever on this day.
They went off to do their thing and meet up with other friends that came and she headed to a place she'd want to go for years. Mystic's Way is a path in the Ren Faire filled with Tarot Card, Palm and other readers. She wanted to talk to some of them to learn more about her dreams. When she was younger she used see reality in her dreams before they happened. She also used to be able to tell who was on the phone before it was picked up. After a strained marriage and a brutal change in work environment, these abilities left her, along with her optimistic spirit and happiness. She wanted to seek out help.
Walking to each hut, she saw readers of all kinds. Some had turbans, others had feathers, some would roll the eyes to the back of their heads as drunken tourists looked on in awe. None of these showcase dealers would do. She wanted a real person that had the talent. She rounded a corner and found a gentleman sitting with a lady, another faire worker, and she listened in.
"And literally i come away with pains in my legs and shoulders," the young woman said.
"Of course, it affects you physically too. You have to let it go, i come away from here exhausted," the gentleman answered.
She pretended to read the pamphlets as they continued their conversation - she liked this guy. He knew what it was like to take on the emotional burdens of others. The strain it takes out of you. He would be great to talk to.
They said their goodnights after a few minutes and she went back to her own booth. He looked at this new person at his stall and said,
"How are you today?"
"very good, trying to keep away from my Blackberry," she smiled. She could talk to this guy - he didn't pitch a sale right away. That was a good sign.
He laughed at that. "It's so hard to stay away. Plus you have to fiddle with the damn thing just to get it to receive phone calls!"
Bingo, she knew he would be the perfect person to talk to. They continued for a while about technology and how people are too reliant on their devices.
"Do you do any research of any kind?" he asked her.
"Not really, I'm in IT," she answers.
"Oh, you look a lot more mature than that."
"No, i'm in IT," she repeats with a chuckle. Then she realized what he heard.
"I thought you said you were 19. I was going to say, you look GREAT for 19." They laughed together. He had honest, sad eyes. Eyes that have seen a lot in their time. They also looked a lot younger than his face.
"I'm seeing a researcher in you. I thought maybe you had a job in research," he continued.
"Well, i do search for answers to problems all day..."
They continued the small talk and he asked her to come in and sit down. He was emotionally drained from the week and was not planning on seeing anyone else, so he had some time to talk.
She tried her hardest not to wear her heart on her psychological sleeve, but her body language betrayed her. Having someone know how you feel without you saying it is something she's always wanted. That higher connection always made her a good girlfriend, a good wife. She could tell what was needed and provided it, without being asked. This also tended to spoil her partner because they didn't ask for what they needed - so if something was missed on her part, there was a lack of communication and an argument or insecurity ensued.
He could see she was unhappy and forever worrying. She was a worrier and that caused her to miss opportunities that could help further her life. This energy was building up with such intensity that she could go insane and she was almost at the point already.
School was a possible door opener. It wasn't clear on how it would appear in her life, but somehow, a class or school of some type would lead to an opportunity that would help her to get out of the sadness. She also wasn't sure of what she wanted to do with her life. This led to the worrying and became an obstacle to her happiness.
Another recurring issue was a problem and she confirmed that her ex was still trying to contact her. He suggested that she take a firm action to stop this as it was on the verge of stalking. They spoke for a while about the cases he gets in where women want a better life but refuse to stop going to men that treat them badly. She felt sorry for those women, she was in that situation, not nearly as bad as beating or physical abuse, but she knew what it was to be mentally hurt. That's when he suggested there was a huge event that happened in the past that is causing most of the stress in her life. Something that she hasn't let go just yet. She was confused at this, because her previous relationship was seen as one huge event but then something struck a chord. It could have been the first time they argued and she realized at that time she shouldn't be with him. Or it could have been the incident of so many years ago where her very womanhood was in question.
He sensed a spirituality in her as well, asked if she did yoga. She told him about the dreams she used to have and they discussed his past. His grandmother had the gift and he received it when he was a young child. His father tried to suppress his talent and dismissed it as nonsense. He also tried to dismiss it but his quality of life suffered.
As for the present, he could tell that her current relationship was helping to keep herself together. There are communication issues. There was also a gap that may feel healthy, was not helping to progress the relationship further in the future. He was happy that she seemed happy, but thought she could do much better. She was the type of person that needs someone that's thoughtful and intelligent. She was a romantic and needed that from her partner as well. He wasn't seeing that in her current relationship.
At this point she started to reflect on all that he said. He pretty much told her all that had been rolling in her head all along. She had come to the point where she realized that her partner was not capable of giving what she needed. His best was not enough. This didn't scare her, and it wasn't a surprise, but it was kind of nice to hear it from someone else. This would take some thinking.
"You may feel comfortable now, and you may have agreed upon this space, but it's going so far in different directions, there's no chance to meet again in the future. There needs to be more of this," and he linked his hands together. "You need to be closer if this is going to move on."
"You will also have to make some decisions soon. You may not want to, you may not think you're ready, but you must decide. If you don't make the decision, Fate will make it for you and then you won't be satisfied with the outcome."
He continued to say that she may be unhappy with her job, but keep it for now - it wasn't easy to find another and most people didn't have what she has now. Be thankful for having work and try to figure out what she wanted from life. Most importantly, to FOCUS. Lack of focus is keeping her from having a strong career in that she enjoys. Dissatisfaction with her career renders it incomplete and the relationship cannot be mended until that stability has been established. One thing leads to another, that leads to another.
The last point he wanted to make involved emotion. The energy that's formed from emotions is what rules the universe. When someone is upset, that energy is focused and calls for more to be gathered together. If the focus is kept on optimism, or a positive goal, it will be heard.
"Learn to focus and speak from the heart. That's the way to healthily reroute your energy. By the way, what was your name?"
"i go by Jean. Pleasure to meet you," she smiled and shook his extended hand.
"It's very nice speaking with you, Jean. My name is Tom."
She received a phone call from her brother to say they were about ready to go home. She let them know she'd only be 15 more minutes and then she'd meet them at the gate. Jean apologized to Tom and tried to wrap things up.
He suggested a few books where she could find more information to help cultivate what talent she thought was lost. To help her focus and unwind he demonstrated some breathing techniques she could do every day. Lastly, he told her a trick on helping her remember dreams.
"Let me know how the school thing goes - let me know how it comes into play."
"I will!" she said as she walked back toward the faire's entrance.
Her brother and his friends had a great time at the faire and were tired and ready to go home. They met at the front gate, walked back down to the car and headed out on the road. After a quick I-Hop stop for dinner they all got home safely.
Jean returned the car and made her way to t he Airtrain Terminal. She felt fulfilled knowing she has some new things to think about. This turned her away from worry and suddenly she realized there was a quicker way home - an opportunity presented itself. She knew she made the right choice with Tom. She was beginning a new path in her life, one that put her first.
This trip was planned for months. She would finally be able to return to the Renaissance Faire after years of working too hard and burying herself to forget her problems. A car rental awaited her that morning and she happily stepped on the train.
On her way to JFK, she took a deep breath. things were not doing so well in her life. She hated her job, this trip was going to cost her a crap load of money and she probably wouldn't get anything back because half the people cancelled on her. At one time in her life, she could hold everything together. She was the source of stability and comfort that would take over the world. Her grand scheme to rule everyone's heart over backfired and made her a servant.
Exhaling, her shoulders slumped and she gripped her bags around her tightly. It wasn't dangerous in this part of town. She was only going from Harlem to Queens, but this was her only source of comfort. As her arms gripped, a nagging feeling in her stomach started up. She remembered the bagel she bought from a street vendor and loosened her grip.
While the city is very convenient, sometimes traveling can get sticky. Subway and buss routes are frequently changed due to MTA's forever-going service maintenance. She was smart this time - she checked the website to make sure all her trains were running. The issue was with transferring from one line of service to another. From her house, three trains were needed. One to get downtown, one transfer to go local, then another transfer to go from Manhattan to Queens. Doesn't seem too bad unless you're waiting 15 min on a subway platform because the previous train just left.
The sesame bagel was lightly buttered but darkened spots that covered the brown paper bag suggested otherwise. She tore pieces from the bagel and brought them to her mouth, trying to remember if she'd touched anything after leaving the house. Eating on the subway is not the most sanitary, but she was hungry and really wanted to get rid of that feeling in her stomach. About half way through the bagel, she felt a little better and let the thought slide from her mind.
Like most new yorkers, she had an iPod with her at all times. This trip was no exception. Some japanese rock/pop idol caressed her ears as she soon forgot about her troubles and the stomach nagging disappeared. Before she knew it, she was ready to transfer to her next train. One train came right after the other and she was on her way to Queens.
She made it to JFK via the Airtrain, a friendly reminder of the monorail from Disney World, only a little sadder. No Magic Kingdom greeted you at the end of this trip. She went downstairs to the rental car company and was greeted with a long line of people. Here she thought she was right on time for her 8:30 am appointment and now she had to wait for these people.
Three clerks were working behind the counter, one trying to help a family of 5, another with two people with very large luggage and the last helped someone that was just waiting for her receipt. As our Harlemite waited, she was strangely serene. Normally long lines when on a schedule stresses her out, but she had her earbuds in and looked up at the flat panel TV that was shouting out a news report. New Zealand just had an earthquake. While she was going to get a bit behind schedule, these poor people had lost their houses, their communities and some their lives. She wouldn't mind waiting on line.
Ten minutes later, she was at the front of the line waiting for the next clerk. She swore she would never go back to this company again, after the stress they brought her during a previous trip, but they had the lowest price and the minivan she was looking for. She decided to give them another chance. Once she spoke to the clerk and was handed the receipt, she was glad she did.
The minivan sparkled in the parking spot. There was some dirt in the back, but no scratches, paint scuffs and no dings. She gave the car a once over, then took a picture of it for Facebook. With her luck, the phone would post it later that day. She was happy and didn't want to think about the troubles of her phone right now, she was going to the REN FAIRE!
From previous experiences, she went over each feature the car had. Windshield wipers, headlights, overhead lights, audio system and mirrors. Once she had a feel for each, she looked for a way to connect her iPod to the car. As she suspected, this car had an AUX input of a 3.5mm jack. She thought this would be the case and brought her 3.5mm cord with her! She plugged in the iPod and tested the sound system - all worked well!
Now her trek would take her out to Long Island - a trip that normally took about 1.5 hours by the LIRR, two hours by driving. From JFK, she made it to her destination in about an hour. She wasn't speeding, per se, just making good time. She picked up her passengers and they headed upstate to Tuxedo, NY to Sterling Forest.
They made it to the fair only half an hour later than originally planned. And all this after stopping at 7-11 for snacks, Burger King for breakfast and having to dodge crazy drivers that swerved in an out of traffic. They parked in the free parking, she gave out the free tickets and they started up the hill to the faire.
It was a tradition she started a few years ago - to try to go to the faire every year. She started it with her mom and two brothers. Her sister would have been invited, but at the time she lived farther upstate and couldn't make it. Years after they went together, but not all 5 of them together. This year, her tradition changed just a little. She took her brother's friends. She figured, they would want some space to hang out and she could go off and enjoy the faire on her own. It would be the first time she had ever done it, and something called her to do this more than ever on this day.
They went off to do their thing and meet up with other friends that came and she headed to a place she'd want to go for years. Mystic's Way is a path in the Ren Faire filled with Tarot Card, Palm and other readers. She wanted to talk to some of them to learn more about her dreams. When she was younger she used see reality in her dreams before they happened. She also used to be able to tell who was on the phone before it was picked up. After a strained marriage and a brutal change in work environment, these abilities left her, along with her optimistic spirit and happiness. She wanted to seek out help.
Walking to each hut, she saw readers of all kinds. Some had turbans, others had feathers, some would roll the eyes to the back of their heads as drunken tourists looked on in awe. None of these showcase dealers would do. She wanted a real person that had the talent. She rounded a corner and found a gentleman sitting with a lady, another faire worker, and she listened in.
"And literally i come away with pains in my legs and shoulders," the young woman said.
"Of course, it affects you physically too. You have to let it go, i come away from here exhausted," the gentleman answered.
She pretended to read the pamphlets as they continued their conversation - she liked this guy. He knew what it was like to take on the emotional burdens of others. The strain it takes out of you. He would be great to talk to.
They said their goodnights after a few minutes and she went back to her own booth. He looked at this new person at his stall and said,
"How are you today?"
"very good, trying to keep away from my Blackberry," she smiled. She could talk to this guy - he didn't pitch a sale right away. That was a good sign.
He laughed at that. "It's so hard to stay away. Plus you have to fiddle with the damn thing just to get it to receive phone calls!"
Bingo, she knew he would be the perfect person to talk to. They continued for a while about technology and how people are too reliant on their devices.
"Do you do any research of any kind?" he asked her.
"Not really, I'm in IT," she answers.
"Oh, you look a lot more mature than that."
"No, i'm in IT," she repeats with a chuckle. Then she realized what he heard.
"I thought you said you were 19. I was going to say, you look GREAT for 19." They laughed together. He had honest, sad eyes. Eyes that have seen a lot in their time. They also looked a lot younger than his face.
"I'm seeing a researcher in you. I thought maybe you had a job in research," he continued.
"Well, i do search for answers to problems all day..."
They continued the small talk and he asked her to come in and sit down. He was emotionally drained from the week and was not planning on seeing anyone else, so he had some time to talk.
She tried her hardest not to wear her heart on her psychological sleeve, but her body language betrayed her. Having someone know how you feel without you saying it is something she's always wanted. That higher connection always made her a good girlfriend, a good wife. She could tell what was needed and provided it, without being asked. This also tended to spoil her partner because they didn't ask for what they needed - so if something was missed on her part, there was a lack of communication and an argument or insecurity ensued.
He could see she was unhappy and forever worrying. She was a worrier and that caused her to miss opportunities that could help further her life. This energy was building up with such intensity that she could go insane and she was almost at the point already.
School was a possible door opener. It wasn't clear on how it would appear in her life, but somehow, a class or school of some type would lead to an opportunity that would help her to get out of the sadness. She also wasn't sure of what she wanted to do with her life. This led to the worrying and became an obstacle to her happiness.
Another recurring issue was a problem and she confirmed that her ex was still trying to contact her. He suggested that she take a firm action to stop this as it was on the verge of stalking. They spoke for a while about the cases he gets in where women want a better life but refuse to stop going to men that treat them badly. She felt sorry for those women, she was in that situation, not nearly as bad as beating or physical abuse, but she knew what it was to be mentally hurt. That's when he suggested there was a huge event that happened in the past that is causing most of the stress in her life. Something that she hasn't let go just yet. She was confused at this, because her previous relationship was seen as one huge event but then something struck a chord. It could have been the first time they argued and she realized at that time she shouldn't be with him. Or it could have been the incident of so many years ago where her very womanhood was in question.
He sensed a spirituality in her as well, asked if she did yoga. She told him about the dreams she used to have and they discussed his past. His grandmother had the gift and he received it when he was a young child. His father tried to suppress his talent and dismissed it as nonsense. He also tried to dismiss it but his quality of life suffered.
As for the present, he could tell that her current relationship was helping to keep herself together. There are communication issues. There was also a gap that may feel healthy, was not helping to progress the relationship further in the future. He was happy that she seemed happy, but thought she could do much better. She was the type of person that needs someone that's thoughtful and intelligent. She was a romantic and needed that from her partner as well. He wasn't seeing that in her current relationship.
At this point she started to reflect on all that he said. He pretty much told her all that had been rolling in her head all along. She had come to the point where she realized that her partner was not capable of giving what she needed. His best was not enough. This didn't scare her, and it wasn't a surprise, but it was kind of nice to hear it from someone else. This would take some thinking.
"You may feel comfortable now, and you may have agreed upon this space, but it's going so far in different directions, there's no chance to meet again in the future. There needs to be more of this," and he linked his hands together. "You need to be closer if this is going to move on."
"You will also have to make some decisions soon. You may not want to, you may not think you're ready, but you must decide. If you don't make the decision, Fate will make it for you and then you won't be satisfied with the outcome."
He continued to say that she may be unhappy with her job, but keep it for now - it wasn't easy to find another and most people didn't have what she has now. Be thankful for having work and try to figure out what she wanted from life. Most importantly, to FOCUS. Lack of focus is keeping her from having a strong career in that she enjoys. Dissatisfaction with her career renders it incomplete and the relationship cannot be mended until that stability has been established. One thing leads to another, that leads to another.
The last point he wanted to make involved emotion. The energy that's formed from emotions is what rules the universe. When someone is upset, that energy is focused and calls for more to be gathered together. If the focus is kept on optimism, or a positive goal, it will be heard.
"Learn to focus and speak from the heart. That's the way to healthily reroute your energy. By the way, what was your name?"
"i go by Jean. Pleasure to meet you," she smiled and shook his extended hand.
"It's very nice speaking with you, Jean. My name is Tom."
She received a phone call from her brother to say they were about ready to go home. She let them know she'd only be 15 more minutes and then she'd meet them at the gate. Jean apologized to Tom and tried to wrap things up.
He suggested a few books where she could find more information to help cultivate what talent she thought was lost. To help her focus and unwind he demonstrated some breathing techniques she could do every day. Lastly, he told her a trick on helping her remember dreams.
"Let me know how the school thing goes - let me know how it comes into play."
"I will!" she said as she walked back toward the faire's entrance.
Her brother and his friends had a great time at the faire and were tired and ready to go home. They met at the front gate, walked back down to the car and headed out on the road. After a quick I-Hop stop for dinner they all got home safely.
Jean returned the car and made her way to t he Airtrain Terminal. She felt fulfilled knowing she has some new things to think about. This turned her away from worry and suddenly she realized there was a quicker way home - an opportunity presented itself. She knew she made the right choice with Tom. She was beginning a new path in her life, one that put her first.
Monday, August 02, 2010
freewrite
"you don't have to let go..." she heard through the pounding in her ears. "you can control it!"
"I can't... it's too much for me to handle!" she screamed from several feet above.
Ending it all now would solve several problems. She could destroy the next hundred square miles with ease. Flying higher she scoped the area. Several towns would perish if she unleashed this terror. Clenched fists blazed with an internal fire she called upon in times of need. Slowly her knees pulled into her chest and she raised her arms to cross them before her face. All she had to do was conjure up the energy.
The tears wouldn't stop, even though her eyes were closed. She could feel the wet drips roll down her cheeks until the fire kissed them away. Each flame flickered up in response to her anxiety. They fed on her anger and fear which could fuel them far longer than oxogen.
She opened her eyes and saw him below. He was crying too, but not out of fear, out of compassion. He didn't want to see her hurting, he didn't want the flames to wipe away her tears. That was his job. He held his hands out to her and she could feel his love. Not only in his eyes, she felt his very soul reaching out to her own.
Lowering her hands, legs and body temperature, the flames receded. She wasn't ready to meet him just yet - this was a defeat in her eyes. She looked at him one last time and shot into the sky leaving a trail of energy behind her like a shooting star...
(sorry - several different storylines all mixed into one. still trying to figure out my own style. and don't be worries about the subject.... there are lots of scenes i've been meaning to write about and some of them are dark and scary, others silly and light)
^_^
"I can't... it's too much for me to handle!" she screamed from several feet above.
Ending it all now would solve several problems. She could destroy the next hundred square miles with ease. Flying higher she scoped the area. Several towns would perish if she unleashed this terror. Clenched fists blazed with an internal fire she called upon in times of need. Slowly her knees pulled into her chest and she raised her arms to cross them before her face. All she had to do was conjure up the energy.
The tears wouldn't stop, even though her eyes were closed. She could feel the wet drips roll down her cheeks until the fire kissed them away. Each flame flickered up in response to her anxiety. They fed on her anger and fear which could fuel them far longer than oxogen.
She opened her eyes and saw him below. He was crying too, but not out of fear, out of compassion. He didn't want to see her hurting, he didn't want the flames to wipe away her tears. That was his job. He held his hands out to her and she could feel his love. Not only in his eyes, she felt his very soul reaching out to her own.
Lowering her hands, legs and body temperature, the flames receded. She wasn't ready to meet him just yet - this was a defeat in her eyes. She looked at him one last time and shot into the sky leaving a trail of energy behind her like a shooting star...
(sorry - several different storylines all mixed into one. still trying to figure out my own style. and don't be worries about the subject.... there are lots of scenes i've been meaning to write about and some of them are dark and scary, others silly and light)
^_^
Sunday, August 01, 2010
freewrite (thanks to sorcerer's apprentice)
she stepped up out of the mouth of the subway. a gust of wind splashed her face with a few raindrops of the finishing storm. it was a refreshing chill after being in the stifling heat underground.
her pace was slower than normal due to a growing headache. each footstep pounded her skull so she padded lightly on the cracked sidewalk. at least the rain was helping cool off her head.
she reached the street corner and her book bag started to vibrate. it was either a text or a voicemail, she thought, until it kept going. a smile slipped across her face as she tried to guess the caller and as she pulled the phone out of her bag the smile faded.
i really don't want to write about that - it's an unhappy subject and while my mind requires me to write about it i refuse to :(
not tonight.
her pace was slower than normal due to a growing headache. each footstep pounded her skull so she padded lightly on the cracked sidewalk. at least the rain was helping cool off her head.
she reached the street corner and her book bag started to vibrate. it was either a text or a voicemail, she thought, until it kept going. a smile slipped across her face as she tried to guess the caller and as she pulled the phone out of her bag the smile faded.
i really don't want to write about that - it's an unhappy subject and while my mind requires me to write about it i refuse to :(
not tonight.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
freewrite
i have energy and i need to write now when i have a chance. it's amazing how the city can take on so many faces when your mood changes. i've seen at least 10 different types of beautiful - the kind that makes you cry, the kind you see from crying, a greener kind when i'm happy, blues when i'm sad... wah don't like where that sentence was going.
maybe i should try dr. wicked's lab. nah, i'm doing okay writing so far, just nothing with substance. i'll figure something out.
it always came back to the red door. she couldn't stop thinking about what happened that day.
wow... i was about to write a part 2 to this but i feel like i can't write better than i did then.... scratch that. Here goes nothing...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...my feet stumbled forward and i was standing beyond the gate. with my next breath, my hand was caressing the painted wood. and as i exhaled, the door closed behind me.
it was dark inside. my eyes were still used to the brightness of the morning but my nose led the way. i followed the faint smell of bacon and cinnamon toast and headed down a hall of some kind. It was long and narrow and i held my hands out for additional guidance. no furniture or paintings were here, but there was a small molding about half way up. if i knew more about architecture, i could describe it better. ornate gargoyles bit at my fingers about every five steps. by the time i made it to the end of the hall, my eyes could see what was around me.
the hall i just went down was a service entrance. it was wide, but meant only for transporting goods. arrows just beyond the red door were painted on the wall, directing where each item should go: to the right, food and pantry items, to the left, furniture and linens and up the stairs - clothing. there were sconces above me, but you'd need a ladder to get to them. flameless candles stood atop each metal platform and offered light when used. no electricity was present in this part of the house.
finding all i could, i turned to continue down the hall, then came across a heavy velvet curtain. Just as i reached out to pull it aside a knocking sound came from the wall. i froze in horror, thinking for the first time i've invaded someone's house. what if i was found? how could i explain my trespassing? Maybe if i could just get a little farther into the house. the smell of bacon was much stronger on this side of the hallway, perhaps the kitchen was near?
i pulled the curtain aside and was greeted by an empty home library. Bookshelves lined every wall and even framed an old TV set in it's wooden box. dainty furniture was placed just right for conversation, but didn't look all that comfortable to sit in. A victrola sat in one corner with it's matching records on the bookshelf just behind it. a door to her left was closed and dark from beneath but a door straight ahead was wide open, sunlight pouring in. this room had no windows, as if to protect the books from sun exposure. she'd love to return and see what books were on each shelf, maybe on her way out.
(some how i suddenly turned to the third person... i think i might end up doing that for the story, since it seems to come naturally. but i'll return to telling my story again - sorry about that :D)
As i got to the middle of the room i heard another sound from behind the bookshelf. it was similar to a rat trying to escape quickly from a predator since the movements were quick and sporadic. i froze each time i heard the noise until it seemed to stop. i went on to the next room.
this looked like a bedroom as it had several antique dressers but the bed was missing. i took a look at each to see the cracking paint and remembered a time when i was invited to the CEO's house as part of the new employee hiring welcome. his house included several dated pieces, which i thought was silly to have since they were all cracked and looked broken. this type of furniture seemed to fit in this place though. it didn't look as if someone placed it here - but as if it just belonged. a whispering call asked me to touch it, to see if it was real and my fingers obliged. the cracked paint didn't crumble under my hand but seemed to welcome my touch. "love me" it called out, "we've been incredibly lonely."
i pulled back a bit, as my heart felt a twinge of pain. everything here was a bit sad. something or someone was missing and this place wasn't complete until that thing was found. i moved onto another piece that was set into the wall. Only the drawers and doors stood out from the wallpaper. i pulled on one drawer but nothing happened. maybe it was stuck so i pulled a little harder. After a third pull, i gave up on that drawer. I tried another just beneath it and that one took the entire draw panel right off. now i've destroyed someone's property. what should i do now, i thought.
worry didn't have enough time to set in. As i tried to put the drawer face back, i noticed that behind the face panel i removed was a richly colored wood panel. . i knocked and the panel was solid wood. there was no way a real drawer could fit in there. so i followed the wall to see where the door might lead. it was a wall that jutted out just beyond the bathroom. it sectioned off the room for what looked like function of a dresser, but only the face was implemented. As i went around to the back of the wall, i could see a shoddy cover-up of a door to what must have been a building structure some years ago. (i'll really have to work this one out to get what's in my head on paper)
following that wall and the bad cover up, i heard a rustling, just like the knocking earlier. I looked over to find a staircase that was sectioned off by baby safety gates. paper was moving around on it's own and when i moved in closer, i found a small grey monkey trying to get up to see me. this grey monkey was familiar as i knew it's owner. but to think i'd be in his house.... i held my breath and listened to the heavy footsteps making their way down the stairs...
maybe i should try dr. wicked's lab. nah, i'm doing okay writing so far, just nothing with substance. i'll figure something out.
it always came back to the red door. she couldn't stop thinking about what happened that day.
wow... i was about to write a part 2 to this but i feel like i can't write better than i did then.... scratch that. Here goes nothing...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...my feet stumbled forward and i was standing beyond the gate. with my next breath, my hand was caressing the painted wood. and as i exhaled, the door closed behind me.
it was dark inside. my eyes were still used to the brightness of the morning but my nose led the way. i followed the faint smell of bacon and cinnamon toast and headed down a hall of some kind. It was long and narrow and i held my hands out for additional guidance. no furniture or paintings were here, but there was a small molding about half way up. if i knew more about architecture, i could describe it better. ornate gargoyles bit at my fingers about every five steps. by the time i made it to the end of the hall, my eyes could see what was around me.
the hall i just went down was a service entrance. it was wide, but meant only for transporting goods. arrows just beyond the red door were painted on the wall, directing where each item should go: to the right, food and pantry items, to the left, furniture and linens and up the stairs - clothing. there were sconces above me, but you'd need a ladder to get to them. flameless candles stood atop each metal platform and offered light when used. no electricity was present in this part of the house.
finding all i could, i turned to continue down the hall, then came across a heavy velvet curtain. Just as i reached out to pull it aside a knocking sound came from the wall. i froze in horror, thinking for the first time i've invaded someone's house. what if i was found? how could i explain my trespassing? Maybe if i could just get a little farther into the house. the smell of bacon was much stronger on this side of the hallway, perhaps the kitchen was near?
i pulled the curtain aside and was greeted by an empty home library. Bookshelves lined every wall and even framed an old TV set in it's wooden box. dainty furniture was placed just right for conversation, but didn't look all that comfortable to sit in. A victrola sat in one corner with it's matching records on the bookshelf just behind it. a door to her left was closed and dark from beneath but a door straight ahead was wide open, sunlight pouring in. this room had no windows, as if to protect the books from sun exposure. she'd love to return and see what books were on each shelf, maybe on her way out.
(some how i suddenly turned to the third person... i think i might end up doing that for the story, since it seems to come naturally. but i'll return to telling my story again - sorry about that :D)
As i got to the middle of the room i heard another sound from behind the bookshelf. it was similar to a rat trying to escape quickly from a predator since the movements were quick and sporadic. i froze each time i heard the noise until it seemed to stop. i went on to the next room.
this looked like a bedroom as it had several antique dressers but the bed was missing. i took a look at each to see the cracking paint and remembered a time when i was invited to the CEO's house as part of the new employee hiring welcome. his house included several dated pieces, which i thought was silly to have since they were all cracked and looked broken. this type of furniture seemed to fit in this place though. it didn't look as if someone placed it here - but as if it just belonged. a whispering call asked me to touch it, to see if it was real and my fingers obliged. the cracked paint didn't crumble under my hand but seemed to welcome my touch. "love me" it called out, "we've been incredibly lonely."
i pulled back a bit, as my heart felt a twinge of pain. everything here was a bit sad. something or someone was missing and this place wasn't complete until that thing was found. i moved onto another piece that was set into the wall. Only the drawers and doors stood out from the wallpaper. i pulled on one drawer but nothing happened. maybe it was stuck so i pulled a little harder. After a third pull, i gave up on that drawer. I tried another just beneath it and that one took the entire draw panel right off. now i've destroyed someone's property. what should i do now, i thought.
worry didn't have enough time to set in. As i tried to put the drawer face back, i noticed that behind the face panel i removed was a richly colored wood panel. . i knocked and the panel was solid wood. there was no way a real drawer could fit in there. so i followed the wall to see where the door might lead. it was a wall that jutted out just beyond the bathroom. it sectioned off the room for what looked like function of a dresser, but only the face was implemented. As i went around to the back of the wall, i could see a shoddy cover-up of a door to what must have been a building structure some years ago. (i'll really have to work this one out to get what's in my head on paper)
following that wall and the bad cover up, i heard a rustling, just like the knocking earlier. I looked over to find a staircase that was sectioned off by baby safety gates. paper was moving around on it's own and when i moved in closer, i found a small grey monkey trying to get up to see me. this grey monkey was familiar as i knew it's owner. but to think i'd be in his house.... i held my breath and listened to the heavy footsteps making their way down the stairs...
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